Rejection practice: how to get used to hearing no, one small ask at a time
Rejection practice means asking for things on purpose, often enough that you hear no on a regular basis and it stops feeling like a verdict on you. It works best in order: start with asks so small a no barely registers, rate your fear 0 to 10 before and after, and only move up once the current ask has gone a bit dull. The no is the point, so a yes is neither a win nor a fail. It just means you ask again.
Where the idea comes from
The best known version is Jia Jiang's 100 days of rejection. He set himself one request a day that was likely to get turned down, starting with asking a stranger to lend him $100. Later asks included a "burger refill" at a restaurant. In his TED talk he says the main thing he learned was that "simply asking for what you want can open up possibilities where you expect to find dead ends."
Before that there was a card game by Jason Comely, now owned by Jiang. Its one rule, as Wikipedia records it, is to be rejected by another person at least once every day, and being rejected is the only way to win. Many people play it as a 30 day challenge.
We also looked for the "Comfort Challenge" card game people mention alongside these, and could not find a reliable page for it, so we have left it out.
What the popular lists get wrong
Search "rejection challenge list" and you get a pile. One of the top results has 20 challenges: compliment a stranger, borrow a pen, ask someone to dance, ask for a discount, submit your writing, pitch a product idea. When we read it on 24 October 2026 it had no order by difficulty and no rating of any kind. The other top results we read were the same shape.
That causes two problems.
You pick one that is far too hard. Asking a stranger to dance sits next to borrowing a pen, and they are nowhere near each other. If your first go is a 9 out of 10, the likeliest result is that you do not do it, or do it once, feel awful, and stop.
Or you pick one that is too easy. A "burger refill" is a joke, and the person saying no knows it. That can be fun, but it may not touch what you actually fear, which is a no that feels like it is about you.
The fix is old and boring. Put the asks in order, measure how hard each one feels, and climb. The lists also mix up who is saying no. A no from a barista and a no from someone you love are not the same size, even when the words are identical. So strangers, work and people you know each get their own ladder.
The usual list
- Ask a stranger to dance
- Borrow a pen
- Pitch a product idea
- Ask for a discount
- Compliment a stranger
- Submit your writing
No order. No rating.
The same asks as a ladder
- 1Start hereBorrow a pen0 to 10: before / after
- 2Compliment a stranger0 to 10: before / after
- 3Ask for a discount0 to 10: before / after
- 4Submit your writing0 to 10: before / after
- 5Pitch a product idea0 to 10: before / after
- 6Ask a stranger to dance0 to 10: before / after
Move up when the rung you are on has gone a bit dull. A yes or a no both count as done.
How to run it
- Pick one area. Strangers, work, or people you know. Not all three at once.
- Rate before. Just before the ask, give your fear a number from 0 to 10. 0 is nothing, 10 is the worst you can picture.
- Make the ask properly. Clear, polite, and then stop talking. Do not soften it into something they cannot refuse.
- Rate after. Once it is over, rate again. Not how it went. How afraid you feel now.
- Repeat the same rung. Move up when your before rating has dropped a few points and the ask feels more dull than scary. If a rung stays stuck, there is a smaller one hiding inside it.
Keep a log, even in the notes app. The numbers are more honest than the story you tell yourself afterwards.
| Date | Area | The ask | Before (0 to 10) | After (0 to 10) | Got a no? |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
Why a yes does not count
A yes feels good. But if a yes counts as winning, you will quietly start choosing asks that are likely to get one, and the practice turns back into avoidance with extra steps.
If a yes counts as failing, you will start asking for absurd things, and the no stops meaning anything.
So score the ask, not the answer. You asked, clearly, without backing out halfway. That is the rep. The answer is information about them and their day.
The ladders
These are examples, ordered from smaller to bigger for a typical person. Yours will not match exactly, which is why there are no numbers here. The ratings are yours.
Strangers
| Rung | The ask | What a no usually looks like |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Ask a shop assistant where something is, when you could find it yourself | "Sorry, not sure" |
| 2 | Ask a barista what they would order | A shrug |
| 3 | Ask for something small that is not on the menu | "We don't do that" |
| 4 | Ask for a small discount, expecting a no | "No, sorry" and a look |
| 5 | Ask a stranger to take a photo of you | "I'm in a rush" |
| 6 | Start a short conversation with someone in a queue | A polite one word answer |
| 7 | Ask a stranger in a public place to join you for something, such as a game or a dance | A flat no in front of other people |
Work
| Rung | The ask | What a no usually looks like |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Ask a colleague a question you could have looked up | "No idea, try the wiki" |
| 2 | Ask someone for five minutes of their time today | "Can we do next week?" |
| 3 | Ask for feedback on something small you made | Honest criticism |
| 4 | Say an idea out loud in a meeting before you have polished it | Silence, then the next item |
| 5 | Ask someone you admire in your field for a 15 minute call | No reply at all |
| 6 | Ask for a deadline to move, with a reason | "No, it has to be Friday" |
| 7 | Ask for the thing you actually want: the project, the raise, the role | "Not this year" |
People you know, and dating
| Rung | The ask | What a no usually looks like |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Text an old friend first, with no reason | A late reply, or none |
| 2 | Suggest the place or the film instead of saying "I don't mind" | "Ah, I'd rather not" |
| 3 | Ask a friend for a small favour | "Can't this week" |
| 4 | Invite someone you know a bit for coffee | "Busy, sorry" |
| 5 | Share something you made where people you know will see it | Few likes, no comments |
| 6 | Ask someone on a date, or for a second one | "I don't think so" |
| 7 | Say plainly what you need from someone close to you | They say they cannot give it |
The top rungs are not stunts. They are the asks the fear was blocking all along.
If you want more ideas at the stranger end, our social anxiety exposures guide has a longer list built the same way.
What the research does and does not say
A no can feel physical, and that is not imagined. In a 2003 study in Science, Eisenberger, Lieberman and Williams scanned people playing a virtual ball tossing game in which the other players stopped passing to them. The anterior cingulate cortex, a region also active in physical pain studies, was more active during exclusion, and more so the more distressed people felt. A 2011 PNAS study by Kross and colleagues scanned people after an unwanted break up while they looked at a photo of their ex, and found overlap with areas tied to the sensory side of physical pain.
That explains why rejection hurts. It is not a study of rejection practice, and we could not find a controlled trial of the rejection challenge itself. The idea of climbing in small, rated steps comes from how exposure work in general is done, not from evidence about this particular game.
Where practice is the wrong tool
Rejection practice is for small, low cost nos from people who do not hold much over you. It is not for:
- A relationship where you are being regularly put down, shut out or threatened. That is not something to get used to. Talk to someone you trust, and get outside help if you need it.
- A workplace where you are being singled out. That is a conversation with HR, a union or an adviser, not a rung on a ladder.
- Fear of rejection that is running your life. If it is shaping who you date, whether you keep friends, or whether you can work, and it has been that way a long time, it is worth talking to your GP or a qualified professional. A list of asks is not a substitute for that.
Also, ask things the other person can say no to easily. Your practice should not make a stranger's job harder.
If you want the ladder written for you
Conquer Fear, our app, is built around exactly this loop. You name a goal and the fear in the way, and it writes a ladder of small real-world steps for that fear, rather than picking from a fixed list. It shows you one step at a time and asks for your 0 to 10 rating before and after. Outcomes are logged as completed, partial or not completed, so you can log an ask as completed whether they said yes or no. If a rung is too big, "Make it smaller" splits it, and after two attempts without completing a step the app offers that itself. You can see a worked example on our fear of rejection ladder page.
The free tier gives you one ladder and its first three steps. Premium is £9.99 a month, or £49.99 a year with a 7 day free trial on the annual plan. It is on the App Store for iPhone only.
Where it is not the right choice: it is not on Android. If a written list and a notes app suit you, the tables above do the same job for free. And it teaches no relaxation or breathing techniques.
Sources
- Jia Jiang, "What I learned from 100 days of rejection", TED: https://www.ted.com/talks/jia_jiang_what_i_learned_from_100_days_of_rejection (checked 24 October 2026)
- Wikipedia entry on Jason Comely's card game, including its one rule and the 30 day challenge: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rejection_Therapy (checked 24 October 2026)
- The Bucket List Guy, 20 challenge examples, not ordered by difficulty: https://thebucketlistguy.com/blog/c/Motivation/b/Using-Rejection-Therapy-To-Build-Bravery-&-Resilience (checked 24 October 2026)
- Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., and Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion. Science, 302, 290 to 292. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1089134 (abstract checked 24 October 2026)
- Kross, E., Berman, M. G., Mischel, W., Smith, E. E., and Wager, T. D. (2011). Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. PNAS, 108(15), 6270 to 6275. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1102693108 (abstract checked 24 October 2026)
Conquer Fear is a self-help tool inspired by exposure principles. It isn't therapy or medical care, and it is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. If fear or anxiety is affecting your daily life, check with your GP or a qualified professional.